I wanted to let everyone know that I am here and that I am active in my recovery. It may be a little different then it has before but I am thinking about it everyday when I get up and everyday when I go to sleep.
There are examples of what my higher power has given me everyday of my life. I just have to look around for them. They are always there. It might be the smile that comes across someones face when I saw hello to them or it might be the complete joy that I see on a friends face who just celebrated 8 months of sobriety. Life is a beautiful thing.
That same friend was talking to me about how amazing that it was that 3 people in his life had approached him asking about getting sober. Its so great how that works. He came to me about changing his life and then 8 months later he has 3 people that came up to him that wanted to change their lives. That is a beautiful cycle if you ask me.
What I wanted to talk to you about was something that has been happening to me pretty recently. It has to do with fear and how I underestimate myself.
I have been working in a position for the past 6 months that is far different then anything that I have ever done before. There is much more responsibility and much more accountability. I have a lot of freedom and autonomy with my position. In this job there are thousands of small things that have to be done and they all have to be done perfectly.
When I was promoted I knew that I could do the job but there was always just a little bit of doubt that was creeping around in the back of my mind. This is something that has always been there. That nagging feeling that lives in the back of my head, that little voice that tells me that I am not good enough and that I am going to fail. I think that everyone has that but for me I can always remember it being there… steering aspects of my life… keeping me from taking some chances.
Recently my role has changed just a little bit and I am on my own. I used to be partnered up with a strong coworker who was more of a leader in the position. I would follow his lead and learn as much as I could. Now, it is just me most of the time.
When this change happened my first reaction to it was to completely stress about all of the things that could go wrong. This air of failure was ripe, floating all around me. My reaction is to get really hyper and try to focus on so many different things at once. Its like I have had way too much coffee and am trying to do way too many things at once. Nothing gets done and things just keep piling up.
I started to make lists and prioritize things. It sounds simple but it was something that I had never had to do before. I had never needed to. I was just able to handle it. Well.. it that means getting all stressed out about tasks that I may had forgotten.. “handling it”. What happened was that I was getting everything done on time and the work that I was doing was really good.
After awhile the things that would have stressed me out were not stressing me out anymore. I was learning new things and conquering the fears that had been living inside my head for so long. Lately I have much more confidence in what I am doing. I know that I can do the things that I set my mind to. In the back of my head there has always been the fear but there has always been this feeling that I could do anything. My recovery has taught me that.
Right now I am on a path. I am doing what I have to do and I am ok with that for right now. There are many things that I have to work on and there is some fear that is still there. I know that there are new experiences out there that are what life is all about. Experiencing those things and overcoming them.
In my early recovery someone said something to me that really stuck… they said, “If you are comfortable then you are not growing”.
I think that fits me pretty well right now.